


As Long as I'm With You, We Could Take the Long Way

by TARDISTraveller42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Dinner, Drabble, Drinking & Talking, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDISTraveller42/pseuds/TARDISTraveller42
Summary: Set sometime during season 7. Now that Voyager is in regular contact with Starfleet, Chakotay has some confusing feelings about going home. On their next dinner date, he and Kathryn discuss the awkward feelings that occur when you are thousands of lightyears from home, but you have everything (and everyone) who you'd ever need right there with you.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 5
Kudos: 53





	As Long as I'm With You, We Could Take the Long Way

As long as I'm with you, we could take the long way

_The thought of arriving kind of feels like dying._

Chakotay wasn’t sure when he first had the thought. Maybe it was immediate; as soon as they all got trapped in the Delta Quadrant together and became one crew. Or maybe it was later, when he and Kathryn were together on that planet, so long ago now. Secluded, it had been like they were the only ones in the universe. Besides that damned monkey, of course.

Or maybe, and quite scarily, the thought entered his head as soon as they began communicating with Starfleet. As soon as this became a doable mission, with a clear and plausible end goal. The day when home became tangible; when Barclay and others from Starfleet HQ could actually see and talk to them, and share their plans for bringing the crew home.

Because it was on that day that Chakotay looked around and felt not joy but sadness. Not hope, but dread. Not ecstasy, at being close to home, but pain, because...well, because _this_ had become his home. Voyager, and her crew.

Voyager, and her captain.

The door chimed, and Chakotay realized he’d been staring into space. Right, it was his and Kathryn’s dinner night. The table was set, if a little cluttered with PADDs and discarded trinkets from their most recent planetary exploration. 

“Come in!” he called, tidying up as he danced around to make himself look busy. 

Kathryn stepped into the room holding a casserole dish in two gloved hands. Her smile brightened the dimly lit room immensely, as did the smell of their hot dinner.

“I managed to bribe my replicator tonight,” she said, setting the dish in the center of the table. She opened the lid with a “Voila!” and a flourish.

Inside lay a mighty heap of roasted vegetables - carrots, onions, potatoes - as well as mushrooms, Chakotay’s favorite. He returned her smile and pulled out a chair to welcome her. 

“It looks amazing.” And it really did. Especially considering how Kathryn’s meals usually ended. “I’ll get the wine.”

He hurried to the replicator. It was never a guarantee that they would get through the meal without some kind of shipwide emergency, so they had to be quick. Not to mention that tonight was Kathryn’s turn to call home for three minutes. She’d mentioned it multiple times this week. Apparently she had an aunt whom she was incredibly fond of and hadn’t spoken to in over six years.

Chakotay only wished he had someone he cared to find again. Someone who wasn’t already on this ship. That would make going home a little easier; a little happier. 

“I hope your wine tastes as good as my vegetables do tonight,” Kathryn remarked. She’d already served herself a plate of veggies and was digging in with an excited grin.

“Hey,” chided Chakotay, as he set the wine and two glasses on the table, “I thought we had a rule about starting early.”

“I’m sorry, Chakotay. I’m so hungry today. I just got off of six hours on the Bridge, and I couldn’t eat all day because I had a blood test this afternoon.”

“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing up with a frown even as he served himself.

“Clean bill of health,” she assured. “The Doctor just wants to keep closer tabs on us. Apparently Starfleet is grilling him about the last six years, making sure we’ve all had enough healthcare without our original medical staff.”

“I’ll make sure to put in a good word for him next time I have a call,” said Chakotay. He bit into the food and found that, surprisingly, it really was tasty. He was taking a second bite even before he swallowed the first.

“When is your next turn?” 

Chakotay felt a pang of something at her words. Guilt? Apprehension? They were still so far from home, and yet...sometimes it felt like their time was limited. And it seemed like he was the only one upset by that idea.

Realizing he still hadn’t answered her question, Chakotay wiped a napkin over his lips to give himself time to think. When her eyes became too curious, he said, “Next week. Thursday, at 1900.”

“That’s a good time. I wish I could do mine sooner,” she said with a shake of the head and a smile. “Honestly, I don’t know if I can stay awake until 2200 tonight.”

Chakotay wasn’t sure how he wanted to respond, so he merely smiled. These conversations were always so uncomfortable. He hadn’t even had the courage to talk about it with his old maquis crewmates. Maybe they were going through a similar feeling: everyone they had known was either gone or moved onto completely different things by now. The maquis weren’t even a group anymore. Nor were the Cardassians the enemy. It was a whole new world, and one that scared him more than the Delta Quadrant ever had.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Kathryn said suddenly.

Chakotay met her eyes, then looked down at his plate. Half of his food was gone and he’d hardly tasted anything past the first bite. That was strange; he was usually more aware than this. More mindful.

“I guess there’s just a lot on my mind.” He tried to make it sound like a casual joke; mysterious in a coy way. But it probably came off gruff and serious. He added a terrible attempt at a wink, but Kathryn wasn’t fooled by it.

She could always see straight through him.

“You can tell me,” she said, setting down her fork. Her voice was soft; the tone she used when someone was truly upset and she wanted them to know she was there for them. It was usually reserved for serious moments, or lessons with Naomi Wildman. But now that it was directed at him, he realized its subtle power.

Chakotay folded his hands in front of him, letting his elbows rest on either side of his neglected plate. Where did he want to start? And what did he want to say?

One look to Kathryn and he suddenly knew exactly what words to speak.

“It’s strange, suddenly being in contact with Starfleet.”

“It is,” she agreed. Then she was quiet, sipping her wine and waiting for him to continue. 

He delayed for a moment, taking a sip of his own wine. Then he forced himself to speak again.

“I feel like I should be more excited than I am. Or happier. Or...I’m not sure.” He chuckled at himself. “My father warned me never to focus on ‘shoulds’. But here I am.”

Kathryn’s lips settled into a wise smile, as the light danced in her irises. Her hand moved, just slightly, toward Chakotay’s. They were much too far apart to reach, but he echoed the motion regardless. 

Maybe that could be their biography: close and wanting to be closer, but always with an impassible thing between them.

“A lot of people are feeling that way,” she explained. “No one can believe that we’re actually talking to people on Earth. We’ve been so secluded out here for so long; it’s bound to be strange sometimes.”

“True,” he sighed. He started to say more, but hesitated. Then he just...stopped. Yet again, there was something between them. Not the physical distance. Just his own nerves; his own insecurities. Because the things he wanted to say probably didn’t make sense. And she probably didn’t reciprocate. And even if she did, they had decided long ago never to cross that threshold. 

Some barriers were never meant to be crossed. And yet, explorer that he was, Chakotay wanted to at least try…

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said. Right, now she wasn’t using her soft, gentle, coaxing voice. Now her lips were a frown, rather than a smile. Her eyes were filled more with anxiety than peace and wisdom. “You can tell me.”

He met her eyes and melted. How could he not tell her everything? How could he keep her in the dark? He knew exactly what he was feeling. So why was he avoiding the subject?

Chakotay cleared his throat, adjusted how he was seated, and sat up straighter.

“It might sound horrible, but I’ve gotten used to being here, in the Delta Quadrant. And...nothing on Earth really compares with what I have here.”

His cheeks blushed at the admission. But Kathryn only smiled and took another sip of wine. When she swallowed, she set down her glass and sat back in her chair, making herself comfortable.

“I know what you mean,” she said finally; surprisingly.

“You do?”

Kathryn nodded, allowing that wise smile to play at her lips again.

“We’ve made a home here. And a family. It’s only normal to feel a little nostalgic, now that we’re back in contact with Starfleet. It feels like an ending of some kind. But I’ll tell you what,” she added, raising her glass to her mouth, “we’re still a hell of a long way from Earth. We could still be here for thirty years.”

Chakotay hid how happy that thought made him. But her words did bolster his confidence. Raising his own glass, he said, “and even if we do only have a little while left together, we can make every moment count.”

“Here, here,” Kathryn agreed. 

They clinked their glasses together. They smiled. And then they got back to their dinner. And into this warm evening, Chakotay let himself relax. He let himself laugh, when Kathryn admitted that the meal had, in fact, been replicated by Neelix. And he let himself breathe.

They still had time. And no matter how little or how much of it they had, he would not waste another moment trying to grab more. What mattered was here and now.

Here, sitting with Kathryn drinking wine. And now, living on Voyager with his family of misfits. 

They shared something here that Starfleet, Earth, and Admirals simply couldn’t take away. And that made it all worthwhile.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> The title and opening lyric came from Jason Mraz' song 'long drive'.


End file.
